Walls pt. 2; raped of my innocence

This post contains explicit content regarding sexual assault. Please proceed with caution.

Halfway through my 6th grade year I started seeing a boy, Elijah. He was damaged. His father worked crazy hours and was never home. His brother smoked weed all day everyday and turned the house into his own personal flop house. His mother rarely in the picture.

Elijah, although damaged, was endearing in a dangerous way. He could look at me and I would shatter. Every word he told me snaked around my mind. He wrapped me in his sweatshirts like a noose. His tongue like a boa suffocating me. In a world with my mother, it seemed like a gift.

I lived 3 blocks from him, so sneaking out became second nature. There were days I’d even go to his house in the morning on my walk to school and just make out for 45 minutes.

One afternoon we had skipped school. I wore a pink mini skirt for the occasion. It started out innocent enough. We laid on his bed kissing and watching tv. Then the inevitable question arose, the one every 16 year old teenage boy wants to ask.

To begin I reluctantly said yes. As we started my willingness started to decline. I could feel my tongue swelling like I couldn’t breathe. I burst out into tears and tried to refuse. Suddenly the cute little pink skirt I wore didn’t seem so innocent.

He held me down by my wrists and I started to sob. His weight on me felt like a brick wall. I trusted him. I thought I loved him. Suddenly the tears stopped and I laid there like a comatose patient waiting to wake up from a nightmare. My insides screamed as my body couldn’t move. I wanted to fight back but the weight of my body wouldn’t let me move.

Thoughts started pouring into my head that seemed to contradict themselves. “He loves me,” “he’s hurting you! Move!.” “If I move he won’t love me.” I was desperate….. at age 12 I was raped I didn’t even realize what was happening. I swear I didn’t even know the word.

As soon as it was over those endearing eyes turned cold and harsh. His demeanor was no longer what it was. It was like he lifted the veil on who he was hiding; a monster.

I gather my clothes and tried to gather my thoughts but it was racing. I walked out of the room with not a word. I started walking to my house. Then the walking turned to jog and the jog turned to sprinting. I ran faster than I ever ran before. The tears that were wallowing inside me during had finally sprung a leak and then burst.

I ran to my room and began to undress. The clothes now felt dirty. And they were. I looked down and saw the blood. My eyes were so puffed up by this time I had to blink to make sure I was seeing it right. I hid my panties in the bottom drawer behind my teddy bears I had thought I’d outgrown. God did I want that back.

I laid in bed for weeks. My mother wondering what was wrong but I always told her “I’m fine, I don’t want to talk about it.” But my mind continued to scream for weeks, months. I was broken.

Walls will only Crush you when they Fall

There are many ways in which I could start and there are no eloquent ways to begin. I know the format; header, body, conclusion, but I am not a writer. So I will start by saying this: be wary of the walls you build and the people you trust to be your support.

So here we are in the story no one knows…

It’s 6th grade and I have just started a new school. My outfit is handpicked by my mother, dressed in all of her favorites I never got to choose. The gap in my teeth is screaming “bully me,” and the highlights in my hair were as chunky as I was.

I walk up the school yard and notice a girl standing alone. She looks equally as lost with her blonde hair cascading down her back. I make my way over as she gives me a welcoming smile. We strike up a conversation and find out we had both been uprooted from our lives and placed in this rural Midwest down. We continue to talk I begin to realize this girl would be my best friend, let’s call her Sharon.

As we stand there talking, awkward and alone. Another girl approaches us. This girl completely different than Sharon and I; this girl was beautiful. Immediately when I saw her I knew she had it all. She walked away from her friends and graced us with her presence. She smiled and a little dimple showed next to her perfectly aligned teeth. Her black hair flipped over her shoulder. This was the girl you remember from school who everyone envied. Everyone liked her; jealous of her. Let’s call her Margo.

Margo motioned at me as if she was about to tell me a secret. She whispered in my ear “everyone’s been talking about you since you walked up.” I shutter into myself like a scared turtle. She runs away with a devilish grin.

6 months later

Without boring you with the monotonous childhood details, Margo, Sharon and I all eventually became the best of frenemies.

Everything Margo said to us was condescending. Always with an undertone of “I am better than you and you know it.” To summarize she always took us to the business her mother owned and her beautiful mansion. While Sharon lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with her single mother and I lived with my new step dad and his mother.

One night while sitting in Margo’s mansion we got to talking about boys as all girls do. I was desperate for a boyfriend. I was in 6th grade and the only kiss I ever had was in preschool when Alex Brennan kissed my check after he broke my arm. (Already starting to see a pattern in my taste in men)

Margo had started to tell me she knew an 8th grader who “would be perfect for me.” She pointed out his picture in the year book. He was a handsome skater kid with the likes of Bam Margera and apparently acted like it too. Let’s call him Elijah.

Keep in mind Elijah was almost 16 and had been pushed back a couple years. I was 12. So any chance of meeting him had to be kept a secret from my parents.

The Meeting

I remember it so vividly, the plan was perfection. Over the last couple of weeks Elijah and I had been talking on the phone each night for hours.The plan was going to a movie with Sharon and Margo. Obviously I wouldn’t be going to see the movie with them. They went and saw God knows what while I would sneak off into Benchwarmers with Elijah.

I stole some clothes from my sister that night and even was sporting a pink thong I knew no one would ever see. Margo’s uncle drove us and we blared Eminem out of the speakers. It was a beautiful evening with no clouds in the sky.

We pulled up to the theater and I still have never had such butterfliessince that night. My stomach felt like it was coming up my throat. My palms were sweaty; knees weak. (Yes that was an Eminem pun)

I walk in and see Elijah standing there. He was much taller than me. His brown hair hung over his green eyes. The brim of his hat tucked behind him. The girls giggled. I gave them a reassuring smile and followed him into the dark theater.

After a few awkward smiles he took his hand in mine. I looked up and with another reassuring smile; we shared my first kiss.

To be continued…